about me

this is about me, behind the blog posts, photos and limited words 
I am Alice and I suffer with OCD

the word OCD is often thrown about without any real understanding of what it actually is, and does, I am not a continual handwasher, or need things to be really neat. yes some things I own have their place, but they're not all in straight lines. OCD has a big spectrum, and with me it affects absolutely everything I do. every movement and thought is dictated by OCD thoughts scaring me, into only doing things at certain times, in certain ways. from the little motion of moving my hand to actual activities, it is really debilitating and really difficult to explain.

writing things is really difficult, every word of this has taken a lot of effort to write and a lot of the time, I actually use the speech part of my laptop to write most things as touching the speech button is slightly easier than touching each single letter, after thinking certain thoughts, that takes a long time and even more worry.

it takes me hours to do every day tasks, so when it comes to things like posting a photo online, it takes ages. from walking into a room and picking up my camera and then sitting in a certain place to upload a photo. then editing the photo at certain times of day, clicking buttons back and forth between worrying thoughts, and only using certain bits of an editor. to standing in a certain place at a certain time of day and thinking certain thoughts, before being able to actually post, and this is just a posting part, not the actual preparation of taking the photo in the first place.

I get scared to use certain words, and worry about the order of words. so when communicating, especially online, whether it is commenting on someone's photo, or captioning my own photo, it is very difficult, not very long and a bit disjointed, and my actual personality does not come across.

my actual real personality, aside from my mental illness, is a OCD free thoughtful, playful child like person. and this does not even really come across in person, very often either.

OCD takes each moment of my life and fills it with fear, a happy emotion is shut down through worry and my personality is depressed

'pine trees and marshmallows' could represent a place, or moments, where for a few seconds the mind is OCD free, and happy thoughts are bigger than worries. maybe walking around pine tree forests or snuggling with a hot chocolate and some marshmallows are some places I feel slightly more free and light, and some more smiles that often I am scared to let out, appear for a bit,

sometimes real smile emerges from a happy, OCD free, thought and pushes through the OCD cage, for the tiniest moment, these are 'pine trees and marshmallows' moments, and I am trying to continue with that smile, past the worry, into having some fun